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Sitting in bed in the morning...
Not rushing...
Looking at old pictures...
Just thinking.
“How are you doing?” some ask me.
“How are you today?” others inquire.
There is no real answer to that question because moment to moment the answer changes...
Maybe if I was ok to give in to the sadness the answer would be more consistent.
Empty.
Heartbroken.
But I don’t want to let the sadness win.
I need to try and cling to the shred of control I have, as I know all too well that we have little control over so much in our world.
And so I ride the roller coaster of my heart on the ups and downs in a day... in an hour... in a moment...
Would it just be easier to stay in bed? Crying? Curled up?
Of course.
In one moment I am looking at a picture from four years ago... unable to make sense of it.
But then I hear Ella as she slowly makes her way up the stairs because she can sense my pain-
and is climbing the stairs again, for the first times in years because she knows she needs to be with me.
I hear Jake walk to the bathroom... knowing his next stop is up the steps to my bed.
I know next will come Otis taking 3 steps at a time then flying in, like a bat out of hell, to join the fun...
followed by Zach, half asleep, quietly acknowledging “good morning” behind him.
I am pulled back together in a moment because my boys need me.
Because being in the moment is happy and silly
and the chaos and energy breathes life back into my heart.
And I know there will be more moments like this today.
Going on a hike with the dogs and watching them run wild...
Watching Zach put his arm around Jake as they walk to the baseball field...
Seeing Jeff smiling at me when he thinks I don’t notice...
Sitting at a concert and listening to music...
Being with the people I love most and treasuring every moment...
And together, we find a video of Ryan from that same hot tub... doing a silly dance that he had done with our friend Mara Robinson years earlier... and so grateful for the shift...