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I don’t know why some days are harder....
some mornings...
some moments.
Why sometimes my mind seems to protect me yet other time it’s as if it sets me up for torture.
And all I can do is just try to enjoy the easier moments and know the harder will pass.
I don’t know why I woke up aching for Ryan this morning.
Maybe it’s because when I was taking a bubble bath, he didn’t come barging in to kick me out so he could jump in and watch tv.
“Oh he must be at my parents” my mind twists...
But then my parents walk in to take Jake to the city for a special day and my thoughts are shattered again.
I roam around Ryan’s room...
Thousand and thousands of memories come flooding back to me... and the quiet surrounding me is deafening.
Life with Ryan was never really quiet. Never ever dull.
But this morning it’s still.
And as I crawl back to bed hoping to restart the day, I’m drawn to to pictures... to videos... and find myself watching Ryan’s Bar Mitzvah video... which is filling me again.
Seeing Zach and Jake so little...
Remembering every second as if it were yesterday...
The love in that room was palpable-truly like nothing I can even put to words.
And then Zach comes in to my room, and once again Otis is flying...
And as if on cue... my heart starts to warm...