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Ryan always loved the calendar.
He marked down everything... from weekly sleepovers at Nana and Grandpa’s to upcoming movies he knew was coming out, to vacations...like the special one Ryan and I were taking in August... to Disney... just the two of us.
Ryan used the calendar the same way he used pictures- it was a tool for communication... something to look ahead to with excitement or look back on and reminisce. And maybe he gets that from me because I too have always loved calendars and planning and numbers (yes I do make a wish when the clock says 11:11).
After Oren died, I remember thinking that I didn’t want the “date” on the calendar to become something we dreaded... I didn’t want a “number” to monthly become synonymous with sadness or pain.
Then almost immediately, I stumbled upon “Kindness for Christopher...” I learned that Christopher was a young boy who was tragically killed in a boating accident at Lake Hopatcong on June 24, 2015. His parents began a movement to “do kind” on the 24th of the months in an effort to help themselves heal and also to remember their son.
When I saw this, I understood that how we looked at the “day”, at the “number” was in our control.
I feel the days slipping...
the numbers flying.
I am often distracted by the tragedy of Ryan...
with the disbelief that he isn’t here...
that we never got to see what May 24 could bring...
that he won’t be here June 24
when our incredibly brave boys have gone to sleep away camp
and we (Ryan and us) get our “alone time”...
That just a few months ago we were on vacation and a few months before that we were celebrating our wedding...
The ups and downs are just so polar... I can literally feel my stomach flip remembering back and thinking ahead.
When I was looking back at the year, I noticed something crazy, surreal and maybe nothing at all if you don’t “believe that kind of stuff”... But these are the “24”s of the past months...
I am hoping to figure out ways to experience future “24”s with some of the happy that filled our past...