Sometimes all I can do to get through a moment is breathe.
Sometimes the sadness is hard to be balanced.
This morning was one of those times.
I went to sleep aching for Ryan and woke up feeling the same.
I’m sure the week caught up with me... the emotions, end of school, graduation, packing, sleep away on the horizon, one month coming up...the 24th...
And while the talk around town at this time of the year is filled with similar woes... my emotions are at a different level.
At baseline, I was never one to find following a camp packing list stressful or get overly emotional about the small stuff...not my kind of worries. But this year, going into Ryan’s room to get the next size summer clothes for Jake only to know there was no need to add the next size down from Zach, sent me off the chart.
I finally got myself got to yoga this morning, after a very full week, and all I could do was try to breathe through class.
I tried to flow but the tears kept coming.
My breathe was shallow.
My pace fast
and at times I literally found myself biting my lip
and holding my breath
for fear of what would come out...
For so many years, when Ryan was younger and frustrated and less able to express himself, his immediate reaction was zero-to-sixty from calm to anger.
We would tell him to “stop, breathe and think” something we learned from Blues Clues.
Actually, looking back we learned a ton from that show ... dealing with frustration was just one of many skills ... as was learning what a birthday was and how to celebrate... all thanks to Blue herself.
I think Ryan especially loved the show since Steve often used some sign language. And, even though Blue didn’t speak with words, you could always figure out what she wanted... kind of like Ryan.
I think he knew that.
“...Breathe” was a mantra we practiced long before being “mindful” was “hip”.
Over and over “breathing” became Ryan’s way of calming...
Until he just did it naturally, subtly, without needing the heavy cues...
So today, when my fellow yogi friends literally took me under their wing with their words and their hands and their hearts and just told me to breathe... it rang home on so many levels...
School is officially over Bags are gone Tomorrow one then Saturday another leaves
I wish Ryan could be sitting next to me on the swing lakeside Saturday afternoon after the camp buses pull away... using a straw to sip water, playing on his iPad and taking pictures of the boats or birds or dogs he sees as I drink a Bloody Mary or two with Jeff...
But, instead, I will try hard to give myself permission to stop and breathe and even think and cry... (probably while hearing Blue’s Clues in my head because that’s the soundtrack playing in my mind every time I think “breathe” and “think”).