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As I write this post, I’m sitting on the swing by the lake
and watching the birds fly in...seeing the boats go by. Both boys have left for camp. The rain held out. The sun is trying to break through. And I’m remembering times past with smiles between tears.
In my heart of hearts I’m a mom.
It’s something I’ve always wanted to be.
Something I say with chest puffed pride.
A momma bear.
And I would do anything to try and take care of my cubs.
But some things are beyond our control and the hardest part in all of this is figuring out how to protect the boys from the unprotectable... how to make sense of the insensible.
I can’t use my claws or growl loudly or pull the boys closer to me to cocoon them from harm.
Emotional pain is even harder than physical.
I can’t stop the unseeable, prevent the untouchable.In the face of the gaping hole in my heart,
I still have to put the boys first- allow them to grow and explore and follow their own hearts beyond my sight and reach.
I lived each day pushing Ryan to his edge... teetering on the border of his comfort and mine... fostering his growth... and Zach and Jake deserve the same from me..
Yesterday morning, when Zach got on the bus with a beaming smile, his only worry was to make sure I would be “ok”. He made Otis promise to give me kisses if I was sad and he made me promise to “flow” (which he loved to tease me about) and “do happy”.,
Jake left this morning and we promised each other that the best way to make sure the other person was “ok” was by being “ok” ourselves- being in the moment and making happy choices.
And so yes, looking back at the past few years of send off pictures, not only do I feel the hole, I see it.
But I also see smiling faces. And I see undeniable strength and maturity and resiliency beyond words. And above all else I see love...deep raw and incredibly special love. And looking closely I can even see Ryan shining down upon us all...